Things That Should Be in Harry Potter
by TheTragedyIs13
Summary: Foul language. You're warned.


**WARNING: FOUL LANGUAGE AHEAD**

* * *

"Enough! I'm sorry to interrupt what I'm sure was a well-rehearsed story-"

"Alright, look, dumbass. If you had asked me the night the Dementors attacked, I totally would have told you the same thing I just now told you." *dead pan stare*

* * *

*Hedwig lands in front of them the day of Harry's first ever Quidditch match*

"What d'you reckon it is?"

*rolls eyes* "You really are thick."

"I dunno mate. It's shaped just like a broom….WHAT IS IT?"

* * *

"Severus Snape, if you do not give me back my bunny slippers, I will 'Avada Kedavra' your billowing cloak ass."

* * *

-Snape's real worst memory-

*Snickers*

"He was wearing…a DRESS?"

*nods* Dunno why, though. I think he was a confused child….

"Very confused…."

* * *

"Why didn't you tell me you were entering the Tournament?"

*sighs angrily* Ron, for the millionth time: I. Did. Not. Enter. Why can't you get that through your thick, ginger head?

"….Piss off."

*bows* Gladly.

* * *

"Dude…seriously. Of all the trees in the planet that we could have hit…we had hit the one that freaking hits back."

"Dude, I know right? It's like 'WTF?'"

* * *

"Hey, Valdemort. What're you going to be for Halloween this year?"

"You know…I was thinking of going as you, Harry."

"Aw, hey! I was thinking about dressing up as you!"

"Dude…we'll throw these bitches OFF!"

*high five*

* * *

*sits curled in a corner, sucking his thumb*

"You know, Draco…today is national 'Hug a Slytherin Day.' Do you need a hug, Draco?"

* * *

"So glad to know six years of education was not wasted on you, Potter. 'Ghosts are transparent.'"

"Look, dude. You can't just walk up to an Inferi and go, 'Hey. Are you a ghost?' I mean, they'd, like, kill you…and stuff."

"I would have suspected nothing less from you, Weasley. Ten points from Gryffindor…for being such a dumbass. Moving on…."

* * *

"He runs faster than Snape confronted with shampoo…."

*At Hogwarts* "I HEARD THAT!"

"Oh, SHIT! RUUUUN!"

* * *

"I want you write lines for me, Mr. Potter."

*to himself* 'What the fuck? Am I seriously back in year one?' "I need a quill, dude.

*gives him quill*

"Yeah…and ink."

"You don't need any ink."

*gives a weird look* 'Bitch has gone mad….' *starts writing* "WHAT THE FUCK? DID YOU SERIOUSLY JUST GIVE ME A QUILL THAT CARVES 'I MUST NOT TELL LIES' INTO MY SKIN? BITCH, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?"

"Many things, Harry….Many, many things…."

* * *

"Draco, come…you have to kill Dumbledore."

"Yeah, no, guys. I vote…SNAPE DO IT! He's got that Unbreakable Vow! If he doesn't want to die, he might want to do it for me!"

"Draco…I'm killing you after this…."

"Gotta catch me first!"

* * *

*laughing hysterically*

"Lucius Malloy's boy? You…want to be…a DEATH EATER?" *slaps knee* "Oh, too priceless." *wipes eyes* "Okay. I'll do it. Hold out you arm, Malloy."

"It's M-Malfoy."

"Hold out your fucking arm!"

*holds out arm*

*Voldemort and Draco do and Unbreakable Vow*

*still holding Voldemort's arm* "You-have-to-be-my-slave-for-a-day-starting-now!"

"Damn! That gets me every time!"

* * *

"You applied first for Defense Against the Darks Arts, is that correct?"

"…Yes…"

"But you were unsuccessful?"

"What the hell does it look like to you, you pink, overstuffed twinkie?"

* * *

"Had a bit of a late night snack, eh, Ron?"

"They were on your bed, the chocolates. I just thought I'd try one."

"Dude, what the hell? Those were MINE!" *snatches box and chows down on the chocolates*

*both walking misty-eyed to the common room to Hermione*

"Harry? Ron? What the-?"

"Hermione…where's Romilda?"

"God, you guys are such dumbasses! Like, seriously? What the fuck? You never eat strange candy! Why the hell am I still friends with you idiots?"

* * *

"Dude! What the hell? I am trying to eat here! I don't need a damn ghost popping up in my food, thanks very much, Nick!"

* * *

"It's sort of exciting isn't it, breaking the rules?"

"What the hell happened to the Hermione Granger I loved?"

* * *

So…they had found his ring. That was simple. And trust that dunderhead of Death Eater, Lucius, to lose his journal. As he zoomed over the forest to Albania, he was terrified. They can have anything…ANYTHING…but his pink floppy hat he used for gardening.

* * *

"Spiders! I don't want to tap dance!"

"Dude…it was a dream."

* * *

"Hey, Slughorn?"

"Yes, Harry?"

"Were you in love with my mum?"

*awkward silence* "Of course not, Harry! I just…she was….er…."

"Were you?"

"No!"

"LIES!"

* * *

-No One Tells Harry Anything-

*Year One*

"I'm a wizard?"  
*Year Two*

"Tom Riddle is Voldemort?"

*Year Three*

"Sirius Black is my godfather?"

*Year Four*

"Snape was a Death Eater?"

*Year Five*

"The 'Secret Weapon' was the prophecy?"

*Year Six*

"Dumbledore knew Draco's plan all along?"

*Year Seven*

"Snape is good and I gotta do WHAT NOW?"

* * *

"We've been raising him like a pig for slaughter."

"Is this caring, Severus?"

"Psh! As if, Dumbledore!"

* * *

"Bellatrix! Get your hand outta there! Just…stop…STOP TOUCHING ME! Dammit, go stand over there. Don't touch anything. Just…someone tie her down!"

* * *

"Oi. One of you go see if Potter is alive. No! Fenrir, do not see if he's alive with your TEETH."

* * *

"Dude, seriously? They're in a BATHROOM?"

"It's what they told me…"

"There's a battle about to start…and they're groping each other in a BATHROOM? What the hell, man?"

* * *

"HERMIONE! HERMIONE! HER-!"

"RON! For the love of all that's holy, SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

* * *

"Snape's Patronus is doe? Um…isn't that a girly Patronus? Okay, Snape, what aren't you telling us?"

* * *

"LOOK AT ME!"

"DO NOT RAISE YOUR VOICE AT ME! I'm trying to protect you."

"Yeah? Well, ignoring me seems like that's a shoddy way of 'protecting' me."

* * *

**It's one in the morning. If there's any mistakes...yeah...sorry. Also, note: I have no excuse for this whatsoever. I was just extremely bored.**

**But hey! Let me know what your favorite was or if you have any to add!**

**REVIEW! Because I love them.**

**-LovelyAlice831-**


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